Friday, January 12, 2007

Apology in Advance


To the father that had the good sense to raise his child in the comfortable, verdant, approachable surroundings of Evanston IL. You and your son are adorable. I congratulate you sir. What a handsome son you have and what an exciting afternoon you've planned for him. Nothing enriches the relationship between a boy and his father like going to see the game. And you sure did choose the right game to get tickets to. The badgers are quite entertaining this year. Actually you probably have season tickets. Anyway, i'd like to apoligize in advance for swearing and screaming and cursing the color purple, and ridiculing the arena that you bring your boy to on a regular basis. I feel like i might not be what you had in mind when you invested in those basketball tickets. i feel like i might not complement the competition and excitement you are looking to expose your son to this weekend. i feel like my language might interrupt your afternoon of bonding, and for those things, i am sorry. But... you see... I hate Northwestern. I didn't used to. Back when the badger basketball program was terrible and the football program didn't exist, i adored Northwestern. They were such a safe and accomodating opponent. Which, for the most part, they still are. But i can't count on them like i used to. And recently, i've experienced severe disappoinment, live and in person, at the hands of your wildcats. I don't blame you for this sir. My anger and obscenity laden hecklthons are in no way directed towards the lovely people of Evanston. Unless you work at Northwestern University. Which, if you do, then forget about this whole apoligy. I hope your son cries all the way home.
I will have fun being loud and rude. Which is uncalled for, i know. The loudness, the rudeness, enjoying the loudness and the rudeness. I'm sorry. Yes, it shouldn't mean so much to me. Yes, my team will be 17-1. Yes, they're ranked #3. Yes, none of the players in your team's starting line-up would crack my teams 10 man rotation. Yes, i am thirty years old. But I don't care. I came here 2 years ago and saw your crappy little intramural basketball team beat up on my badgers, and i'm coming back for a reason. I want your Wildcats to feel pain. I want your fellow Wildcat fans to feel sadness. The same sadness I felt the last time I tried to enjoy a game at that place you call home.
Your student section is the nerdiest bunch of nerdballs i have ever seen. I consider them an affront to all that is cool, and since i am cool, i consider them an affront to me personally, and since you contribute to and support the athletic department which facillitates this disgusting nerdtatholon, i consider you and your offspring a direct attack on my person. You know what... how about you come up with some words of consolation for me. Who should be apoligizing to who here?! Shut that kid up i'm talking to you! You're the one responsable for this crap. Yes i bought 10 tickets to this game, but its my birthday, and they were cheap. Real cheap. It would've been more expensive to not go to the game. The ticket money for me and all my friends wont pay for 5 basketballs. But you probably give a couple thousand dollars a year to Northwestern, don't you? Shitty little crap hole. I hate this place. Full of Nerds. Watchout or your son will grow up to be a Nerd. So close to Nerdwestern and all. Unless he pays close attention to me tomorrow. Then he'll just grow up to be a degenerate.
Seriously though, I'm sorry. But not if we lose. If we lose I'm not sorry. If we lose screw you. I hope your kid drops an F-bomb in church. Go badgers.

2 comments:

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Scalia's Gavel said...

So, you want fans of the can't-even-summarily-dismiss-Wheaton-College Wildcats to feel pain when they lose to the #3-ranked Badgers? Sorry to disappoint, but it will not happen. If you don't have enough class to support your team on the road without coming across like a complete moron, ruining the days of everyone around you, your team deserves losses like those experienced the last two years to the Wildcats.

I was considering adopting the Badgers as a team to root for, since my Sun Devils are the only division one team that NU can beat this year, but you have convinced me otherwise. Now I hope you lose in the first round. To the Wildcats. Again!